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NYC: Personified

January 27, 2011

New Yorkers have sports options.  If you grew up within an hour of New York City, chances are you have friends who are Jets fans or Giants fans, Yankees fans or Mets fans.  The Devils take some shine away from the Rangers.  But the Knicks are uniquely New York’s team.  (What?  There’s a team called the Nets?)

The buzz around the Knicks in the 2010 off-season was deafening.  We were gonna convince LeBron to leave his hometown and come to the big city to revitalize our beloved team.  We were gonna convince Joe Johnson and Chris Bosh to take paycuts to join him, forming out own big [Nike] three to rival Boston’s.  After getting bodied by Pat Riley (see: tampering), the team decided to throw 5 years and $100 million at… Amar’e Stoudemire?!  A player whose knees were projected by doctors to hold up only a few more years?  Whatever, we’re gonna be relevant again!

Now, we’re halfway through the season.  The Knicks have shown glimmers of greatness, but they’re clearly a few pieces away from being a contender.  Add Carmelo Anthony trade rumors, and Amar’e securing the first Knicks all-star starter spot since a young Patrick Ewing, and the Garden has continued to rock into 2011.  Subconsciously, though, New Yorkers are interested because the Knicks lineup is a microcosm of their city.

Wilson Chandler:  The Brooklyn Hipster.  Wil The Thrill stays at the Brooklyn Waterfront rocking his Pony sneakers and living the Jet Life with Curren$y and other hipster rappers.

Danillo Gallinari:  The Italian. He grew up in Italy, the son of an Italian basketball player who played with Coach Mike D’Antoni.  Then, his Uncle Mike brought him over to New York.  He spikes his hair occasionally as a nod to those shameful Italians of the Jersey Shore, but he’s a nice, traditional Italian boy.

Landry Fields:  The Wall Street Yuppie.  He graduated from a [quasi-]Ivy League school, and he landed that 6 (7) figure job in NYC.  His work ethic and hustle have helped him make a name for himself.  NYU students have certainly partied with him in Greenwich Village.

Timofey Mozgov:  The Immigrant.  He has no real skills, but he’s paying his dues in hopes to cash in on all America has to offer.

Bill Walker:  The Hip-Hop Head.  He hangs out with the wrong crowd, he lacks work ethic, and he loves the spectacular play (dunks and threes).  He probably lives in the Marcy projects.  The brokest basketball player you know.

Raymond Felton:  The Homeless Guy.  His resemblance to Beetlejuice from Howard Stern is uncanny.  He’s been spotted in Times Square insulting chubby bitches and Asians.

Ronnie Turiaf:  The Hot 97 Party Guy.  If you ever listen to Hot 97 or Power 105 and hear all the promos for the club life and wonder who goes to those things, look no further than Ronnie Turiaf.  He’s boys with Thierry Henry of the New York Red Bulls, and they probably take their French techno and sex parties to the underground clubs and Webster Hall during the week.

Shawnee Williams:  The Minority Blue-Collar Worker.  Doesn’t this guy look like he should be driving a bus?  Where did he come from?  He definitely has two jobs: making 3-pointers for the Knicks, and working in the welfare office in Newark.

Amar’e Stoudemire:  The Jew.  He’s making more money than you, and he runs the team [and the city].

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